Take the Step, The Bridge Will be There.
Interview with Grace Cirocco
Grace is an outstanding communicator, leader and intuitive healer, whose mission is to empower minds, inspire spirits and heal hearts. She encourages us to live life in an authentic way - with passion and lots of courage. She inspires us to quote:
"Reach for the luminous places not only within ourselves, but also in others, so that, together, we can create a better world."
Grace is the author of Take the Step, The Bridge Will be There. She is also speaker, philosopher - and mentor.
Grace how are you?
Hi and thank you, Nancy.
Nancy: If you would first share with us your passions - the things that mean the most to you in your life - and tell us: How have they led to the work you are doing today?
Grace: Well, passion is my middle name. I am very passionate. I'm intense. I'm Italian - I'm passionate about food, and books and ideas and people of course. I think ever since I was a little girl I was helping people with their emotional problems. I grew up on a fruit farm in Niagara on the lake, and even back then friends would come to me for help. I even had adults asking me for advice. So I think I was propelled into this role of helper, mentor, leader, you know, helping people with life issues. I guess that has been my passion my whole life and, how it's led to the work I do today... I think it's not an accident - the work that I'm doing today. I am totally passionate about helping people achieve their potential, and heal what is blocked in their heart and soul. I always tell my kids that passion leads to purpose and as long as you follow your passion, you will be doing the work that you were meant to do in this world.
Our work is very sacred. Many people think retirement is just relaxing and having pina coladas on some beach. Research now shows that people have to feel that they belong, that they're making a difference, and many of us make a difference through our livelihood and the work that we do, our careers. So I guess for me it comes full circle: as a little girl I loved helping people with their problems. In university, I was the go-to girl for boyfriend problems.
Some nights I'd be up until 3 or 4 in the four morning counselling my friends on love. So I find it fascinating when you see little children in the playground and you see a child on the swing or a child gravitating towards the sandbox, building things. What is it - that gift that's been planted in each one of us? Will that child have the blessing and the good garden to grow in so that he/she can figure out who exactly they are and what their sacred purpose is. I think I was one of the lucky ones because I am doing exactly what I was meant to do.
Nancy: Grace, I often have women telling me they're in a rut, both in their personal relationships and in their professional lives. What advice can you offer that would help them move forward? And how, to quote you, can they learn to "cultivate the leader within"?
Grace: Yes I hear that too. The first step is awareness: They must know there is something missing,their soul is asking for something more. Or they must know that their potential is beyond the bridge somewhere and they're just in a rut or giving mediocre output in life. The next step is to figure out how they want to matter. The 21st Century is about meaning. The 20th Century was about making it. Even our parents and our grandparents - it was about making it. But today, people want to make a difference. They want to matter. They want to contribute and feel fulfilled at the end of a day. And 3rd: she should get out there and talk to people. Read and join groups of kindred spirits. Clarity has power in it. When she has the clarity, she will take the step. There is a spiritual awakening out there on all fronts.
If I can digress, I will share a personal example. For years I have had this idea, and this might be very controversial but I bring it up only to show you how there is a spiritual awakening, and things that we may have thought "underground" or "alternative" are now finding their place in mainstream media. I have always been a seeker of truth and knowledge. Ever since I lost my friend to cancer 8 years ago, I have had this really uncomfortable feeling when people talk about cancer research and say, "Yes, we're going to find a cure." People have good intentions. They run for the cure and they give to the cure. And one day I had this image in my mind of a huge collander with holes in it. We're dumping billions of dollars into this container to find a cure, but the cure is eluding us. You see, the image I have is that this collader has leaks in it and no one is aware.
That leak is all the products we use everyday that have harmful cancer causing ingredients. People are unconscious. They think that the cure for cancer will be found in some laboratory--some magic pill, but we are being poisoned everyday because we don't know any better. We need to stop using microwaves, and cell phones, and weed and feed for our grass. Even most sunscreen is bad for you because of a certain ingredient that the FDA has just found to have cancer and has banned.
So for years, I felt alone with my ideas...I mean I am a speaker but I was never comfortable sharing this with my audiences because cancer is a very touchy subject. But just recently, I found out that at the University of Pittsburgh, there is a woman by the name of Dr Devra Davis, who is studying environmental oncology. I urge you to Google it:www.environmentaloncology.com. You can also google her, Devra Davis. What is environmental oncology? Yes, cancer is in the air, in our environment and her studies and research are about finding the cure but eliminating what causes cancer at the source!! She is working at a university doing mainstream research. And she was recently invited by the University of Toronto to speak at OISE on her findings!! I encourage you to read her book. The Secret Behind the War on Cancer. Everyone needs to read this book and get informed and wake up. The time for this global wake up is now. it's a very exciting time to be alive.
Have you heard of harmonic convergence? For those of you who don't know, the idea is that when an idea comes to its ripeness, when it's time for that idea to be contained in our collective consciousness, then it will sprout up in different pockets of the world, even if people have never shared that idea with one another. That is what is happening now with this environmental oncology.
Nancy: I've often heard people approaching retirement wonder: "What am I going to do for the rest of my life?" What would you tell them?
Grace: Well, baby boomers have worked very, very hard. The Industrial Revolution has been on their backs. Now that they're coming close to retirement, I think part of the problem is that they're feeling like they're being put on the shelf and that they're no longer useful. One of the things I tell my clients is to start to create a list of the 100 things that you want to do, be, or have before you die. I mean everything: whimsical things, traveling things, educational adventure things. Anything that you want to do, be or have. That can become your compass, so that when you retire from one job or from a line of work as a professional, you can start looking at this list and see what is still undone. What do I want to accomplish? What do I want to do with my life?
I'll tell you a really neat story. One of my clients did this retreat that I run every summer in Niagara on the Lake. It's called Bridges to Success, and it's all about visioning, manifesting mentally and emotionally and creating the life you've always wanted. One woman last year did this beautiful vision board and had it in her studio for about 6 or 7 months. On that vision board was a motorcycle, and every time her husband or a friend brought it up, she'd say, "Well, I put it on my vision board but it's so unrealistic. I don't think I will ever do that but it would be nice. Last weekend her husband showed up with two motorcycles, one for her and one for him. They don't have their license but they have the motorcycles. She called me up and she was so excited! This is a woman who is over 50 is going to make one of her dreams come true. It's never too late, not even for those who are approaching retirement. Retirement can be a time to create amazing miracles.
So the list is very helpful. Keep it in your pocket. Keep it in the car. When you hear an interview on the radio, or your hear a song, or you do something, or you're flipping through a magazine at the doctor's office and you see an island called Bora Bora, and you think, "Wow! I'd like to see that emerald blue before I die." Bingo! That goes on your list! It's a way of dialoguing with your heart because dreams come from the heart and the heart is of the spirit. It's a part of us that while we've been productive in the left brain, making money, paying mortgages and doing, doing, doing, some of us, not all of us, forget that we can dream.
Nancy: What do we do when our partner just won't respond? What if he's content to sit around watching TV all day? Has no ambition or goals? Should we stay with someone who sees no joy in life? Someone who doesn't appreciate our efforts?
Grace: You can have couple dreams but you also need individual dreams for yourself. You can't force anyone to do something they don't want. Take the metaphor of popcorn. You put the kernels in the microwave all at the same time, yet some of them pop first and there's always the 20 lazy kernels that have never popped. If you're living with somebody who has not popped, who has not seized the day, has not gone out there and done what it is that they were meant to do, don't let their mediocrity bring you down. It is not an excuse. It is not an excuse to blame them either. You've got to find a way to do your own thing. Some people say, "Well, I think we need to part ways." I don't think it's always necessary. My opinion is that we break up and we have divorces prematurely, way too often maybe we could have saved something.
Couples who sign up for my Relationship Renewal Retreat have to complete a questionnaire for me so that I can better understand what they want and what their issues are. They will confess to me, "We need a miracle this weekend. This is the last thing we're trying. We've tried counseling with no results so what do we want? We want a miracle." So even in those cases when the relationship can go either way, some do reach out for alternatives which my retreat is, and they end up healing their marriage. But for other couples, it's very easy to say: "You don't do it for me anymore. I'm out of here."
To answer your question, if someone you are living with is depressed or does not want to do what you want to do, then you've got to find a way to do it yourself. I take groups to Italy every year and I get couples, but sometimes I get women who say: "My husband has no interest so I am doing it alone." Good for them, I say. You can't stop living just because you're married to someone who doesn't want to live the same way you want to live. You can't change him or her so go out there and BE the change that you want to see. That really is the essence of leadership.
Nancy: What exercises do you do in your couples retreat that would help couples who are listening to this?
Grace: Two exercises that really connect you heart to heart, especially after a long week when you've been traveling and you haven't really seen each other or you've been like two ships in the night.... I call it Pillow Talk and you do it sitting down next to one another, cuddled up, or in bed looking at one another, just relaxing and resting because it's finally bedtime. I call it Pillow Talk because it's an opportunity for you to tell that person one thing that you appreciate about them. One thing that you admire about them. One thing that you respect about them. For example, "I've always admired that when you say you're going to do something, you actually do it and you're a real inspiration for me." And then the other person's going to say something to you about something that they admire and they love about you. So it goes back and forth for 2, 3 or 4 times and it just opens up the heart. People feel loved, they feel nurtured, they feel relaxed, and it's a wonderful exercise.
Another exercise is choose your favourite song but not a sad song. Choose your favorite song and just hug through the song, the whole 4 minutes, and hold each other in a heart-to-heart hug. So those are two exercises that I do at my couples' retreats and people love them. I find couples don't touch enough. Life is too fast. We're running all the time and we don't stop to hug for a little bit of time, to really hold each other.
Nancy: If a couple is just starting out in a new relationship - and they want to build balance at the start - so one partner later on doesn't feel they're doing all the work and being taken for granted, what is the one thing you would advise them to do?
Grace: It's to talk. Keep talking! To not let the days go by without sharing your day. Empty out the container called your day, but share your feelings about your day. Share your fears and what makes you angry and yes, of course, your dreams and goals too. Also write each other letters, and cards and emails. Don't forget the small stuff that we take for granted. It's the little stuff that really leaves special memories inside our brain, in our heart, so for young couples that's very, very important.
Also I recommend that they need to go away, turn off the cell phone and turn off the email, and really just relate to one another. When they are having dinner, to turn off the cell phone and make it a sacred time. Lighting a candle, having a special drink, maybe some wine. Something special to make it like a ceremony. We're sitting down and we're going to break bread together and eat. I was born in Italy and in Italy we know how to eat and relate with one another. We linger over our meals because it is a social event--"slow food" was born in Italy and restuarants pride themselves on serving slow food. Here, we're all about fast food...and running. We're addicted to speeed and multi tasking. We're juggling a hundred things and eating on the run. This is very bad for our emotional, spiritual, mental and physical well being, and it's bad for our relationships.
Yes, birthdays matter. Buy that person a card. Say your special words. Don't forget anniversaries. Those little things are what I find that after many, many years, when you talk to someone who's been married for 40 or 50 years, they get all tearful and say, "He never forgot an anniversary" or "She used to bake me a cake for my birthday." It's the little things. You look at these people and they're 60, 70 years old and they've got tears in their eyes and you realize it's the little things where our souls come out and we tell the other person who we really are and what they mean to us.
Nancy: We've all had times when our job has us stressed to the max. And we all know that's not good for our health! You have some great suggestions for dealing with that. Can you share some tips on how to balance work and personal wellness?
Grace: First of all, I think that everyone needs a personal calendar or agenda or personal time organizer. Whether it's Outlook or your Blackberry. I'm still traditional. I have my hard copy calendar. I would recommend that planning is very, very important. If you want balance, you have got to plan. You've got to look ahead. Not just the week before, but months ahead. What are you doing this summer for vacation? You have to plan. If you want to see special people, you have to plan. It's not like it was 20, 30 years ago. I grew up and my parents' friends, they had lots of friends, and the friends would just phone up and say, "We're coming for a visit today." And so you'd have to get all ready because that person was honouring you with this special visit. It doesn't work like that anymore. We don't go to people's houses uninvited. Everybody is stressed out. They're too busy. They have to put you in their little black book, otherwise it doesn't happen. I think you can be very caught up in the details and the stress of not balancing home and work if you don't plan ahead.
Number two: draw four circles: Mind, Heart, Soul, Body. Write down everyday one thing you've done for those four parts of you. One thing you did for your heart - OK, I had lunch with a girlfriend and I got to do some socializing. One thing you did for your body - I took the dog for a walk. One thing you did for your spirit - well this morning I did 30 minutes of meditation. One thing you did for your mind - well, I was reading all about the ewg.org website today and I learned a lot; I feel enriched by this website and I feel like I have more information now that I can pass on to my children and to people that I meet. So that's another way. Some people find it very difficult to balance work and home and so I tell them to do those four circles and every day do one thing that's going to balance you in that one area. Go for your yearly checkup. Go for a coaching session. Go visit your Mom and Dad. We live such isolated lives and I'm sure you know this as much as I do, but we need other people, we need socialization, we need to feel good, we need to feel happy. And I know that when we're with other people, most of us feel good. The number one ailment that I hear is loneliness. People are lonely and it's quite a problem today. I think that's why these electronic dating sites do so well. We've got this technology connecting us but we're really disconnected.
I run a women's group once a month in Oakville. I call it the Goddess Club, and those nights when I drive back home to Niagara, I am elated, joyous, happy. My heart is always full after one of my Goddess circle evenings. It's an amazing feeling and I know it's because I've been around women, exchanging ideas and feelings. It's very important that you have a strong community of friends, family, people that you love and can be around. I think that is why some people go to church..because of that feeling of community and belonging to something.
A very famous study, found that in this one town in Pennsylvania there is no heart disease. Researchers at Harvard thought, "We have to go to this town and monitor the people, see what they're doing, what they're drinking, what they're eating because maybe we can make the rest of America more healthy." So they went there and they found that the people had terrible habits. They were eating fatty foods and they were smoking and drinking coffee and alcoholbut everybody knew everyone else and cared about everyone else. It was a very tight knit community, an immigrant town of Italians and they were all very connected. It was almost like a buffer against stress and disease. The "Roseto study" was written up about in journals all over the world. The conclusion: You don't want to get heart disease; you must feel connected and loved and supported by people. We are social animals.
In the end...for our health, we must feel happy. It sounds like a really trite, simple formula but I think that The Secret and the popularity of the Secret... when The Secret came out, I was interviewed and it came out in dialogue that The Secret, the Law of Attraction has been around since the beginning of time. "As a man thinketh, so shall we become." It's in the Bible. It's written in Buddhist literature. It's written in the Talmud. It's everywhere. We know now that you've got to be happy.
When you're happy, your own immune system functions ten times more efficiently and effectively than when you're not. Part of the problem is that many of us don't know what is going to make us happy. When I say to them, "Finish the sentence: I will be happy when...." Most of them think it's money. Most think they need to win the lotto and then they will be free and we know that that is not true because books that have been published about people who have been lotto winners, within 12 months they are bankrupt, they have no friends and many times they have some kind of disease because of the year of stress that this money has caused them.
Happiness has been skewed. What is going to make us happy is to make a difference, to matter. If you find a way to matter to this world, I think you can have a really good shot at being happy but you cannot do it alone. You've got to matter but you've got to matter to people. It's about people. If you're surrounded by good people that make you smile and make you laugh, and they tickle your funny bone and that you're doing work where you feel like you're making a difference to someone. That's the recipe right there for health, longevity, success, happiness.
Nancy : Of course, relationships change over the years, even with a good start. People drift apart. They have different interests. And with the kids gone, the gulf can seem wider than ever. And that can make the future look pretty scary! Grace, could you talk about your relationship renewal and upcoming couples retreats?
Grace: I have one at the end of the month, April 25-27th and another one in May and one in June. They're in Niagara on the Lake at a beautiful 5 star property. I try to create a very wonderful, beautiful environment for them. It starts at 8 o'clock on Friday night and we go until 6pm on Sunday. It's intense. I now have marriage counselors and therapists who I don't even know, are sending couples to my Relationship Renewal Retreat. My approach is more from the heart rather than the head. I think a lot of therapy doesn't work because it's head only and we need to go into the emotional brain and heal the past, heal the hurts, heal the betrayals, heal the infidelities, heal the broken trust, the broken promises, all those things and have a real shift emotionally before anything you tell them about communication, which is mostly a cognitive exercise, will go in and make a difference.
I get amazing testimonials - many of them are on my website, and I'm just floored by the miracles I witness--couples who are on the brink of divorce heal and come together again. It's difficult emotional work, but when they do it, they feel closer than they have ever felt, and they feel free. They have a deeper understanding of one another. They save their marriage, not only for their kids but for their own happiness.
I created a program for couples that I myself wanted to go to. I searched and searched and could not find a healing retreat for couples that focuses on feelings rather than traditional cognitive tools. I mean how are we supposed to use all the knowledge if my heart is full of hurt? So my program empties the hurt in a non threatening way and then gives you the tools for lasting love. Everyone feels supported, nurtured and all the exercises are done between the spouses or partners. So even though you're in a group, your issues remain private.
Nancy: What is your secret for a lasting marriage?
Grace: I've been married for almost 28 years. I have gone through my ups and downs. My secret is that my husband is my best friend, he is my soul mate. You can have friendship that will last a lifetime or you can have that lust or sexual attraction that doesn't last. For me and my husband, we are best friends. We're family and we look out for each other. That doesn't change. We have a lot of harmony between us. We're very different people. He's a mathematics professor and physicist. He's very calm. He's my rock. He's a Taurus and he is very grounded. I'm an intense Aries ram that has idea after idea and wants to squeeze every last bit of goodness from my life and wants to learn it all. I'm passionate. I get excited and I'm emotional. So we're very different and I think we balance each other. When you're married to your best friend, I don't think that ego gets involved, but sometimes it does, and we just ride out the wave.
I write a column in my Touch of Grace newsletter and I just sent one out in April, and I wrote about reaction and the way we react to people. I cannot tell you how many people have sent me emails about this particular column. I guess it struck a chord. We do react. We do not take time to qualify and ask questions and really understand before we jump the gun with our assumptions. We just let people push our buttons and then we say things or do things that we regret later. That's not a great way to live. Unfortunately this reaction business has ruined many marriages and relationships in general.
Nancy : Where can people find your books?
They're available at any bookstore in Canada. Or you can go to www.chapters.com. You can also go to www.amazon.ca. You can also get them from my site. www.gracecirocco.com
And don't forget to check out Grace's website at www.gracecirocco.com
Grace, it's been a pleasure. Thank you for sharing your expertise and insights with us today. You've been an inspiration.
Well, that's all for this week. I hope you've enjoyed our teleclass.
Until next time, don't be afraid to take that step!
Nancy Desjardins R.N.C.P.
Registered Nutritional Consultant Practitioner
www.womenshealthacademy.com